It’s ridiculous really, that one of our first “discussions” (we prefer this terminology to “argument”) was about toilet paper. On our honeymoon. And while it wasn’t really a “discussion”, I think my tone said otherwise.
“Do you have a preference on toilet paper – over or under?”
My sweet husband of 3 days inquired.
“Of course not. That would be silly.” (I really don’t
remember my exact response because at this moment, I immediately felt new-wife
insecurity creep up – I immediately thought to myself “YOU put the toilet paper
on wrong and your husband is now taking issue with it. Way to go.”). Notice the
second part of my sentence. In half a second, my defense mechanism was flying.
I guarded myself to protect myself and ultimately took a jab at him to make
myself feel better. (I feel the judgment, but believe me I realized it – an
embarrassing revelation).
Insert his logical thought. “Well, since you don’t, and I
do, could we roll the toilet paper over the top?”
Let me break this moment down for you. TC, who now tells you
he regrets bringing it up on our honeymoon, was simply recognizing something we
had never had to deal with before. He seized the opportunity. I, who constantly
reassures my husband when we laugh about this story that he absolutely should
not feel bad about having brought up toilet paper on day 3 of our honeymoon,
came face to face with the recognition that I was now sharing my life and the
learning was just beginning.
As a master’s level marriage and family therapist, this is
not exactly how I imagined my first “discussion” as a married woman would go. I
thought it would be a far more in-depth, theory crushing, practical application
of communication skill-building “discussion.” I was having to adjust - a revelation that
never should have taken me off guard because I’d studied relationships for
years (I know…). However, “knowing” did not make me immune to the challenges of
two unique people coming together. I was going to adjust a lot. As Dr. Emerson
Eggerich says “Life is in the daily” (Love
and Respect).
We laugh about it now and have dissected that moment
multiple times. What TC says he realized is timing is important. I realized
that things had been my way for a long time. I didn’t care what way the toilet
paper came off the roll. But I was married now. To my best friend. And that
meant we would be sharing life together, including toilet paper rolls. And if
my husband had a preference I could show a simple way I care about the
seemingly “little” things by meeting this request.
Before I make my husband sound like a crazy request maker (except
all of you other die hard “over-or-under toilet paper-ers" who are undoubtedly
taking his side on this one), I want to highlight my mentality. Unfortunately
in that moment it was about being right for me, and about attempting to be a “perfect”
wife in 3 days of marriage – no flaws, everything like a well-oiled machined. The
toilet paper discussion taught me early on:
Sometimes I’d be wrong. Sometimes I’d be right. Sometimes we’d agree.
Sometimes we wouldn’t. Sometimes I’d have a preference. Sometimes I would have
no preference, and so could always find a simple way to remind my husband his
preferences and his thoughts matter to me, because he matters to me. There were a lot of other things I learned from this
really small conversation, but we can save it for later.
Two years later, the toilet paper always goes over the top.
P.S. TC approved this post J
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