I love something I read in Love and Respect yesterday (if you have not read this book yet, you should). I discovered me and TC aren’t the only ones who get on the “Crazy Cycle” for the SILLIEST things.
We believe in saying sorry. Not the “sorry-to-end-this-silly-argument”
kind of sorry (though we have definitely been guilty of such), but the genuine,
“Please forgive me for hurting your feelings” kind of sorry. It’s really
liberating and can draw you closer to your spouse if you let it. Going back to
toilet paper, I quickly made something about being in the right. There is a lot
of harm that can be created in trying to be right about everything. Whenever
couple friends get married, we usually tell them, “It’s okay to apologize first
– it isn’t about being right.” We say it because we are still learning that.
Its humbling to apologize to someone (especially if you feel you were right),
but it relays love and value to your spouse. And you feel loved and respected
when someone is kind enough to ask for true forgiveness.
So bite the bullet. When you think your spouse said something, though
not meant the way you interpreted, it is really easy for things to escalate
quickly. For example, early on if TC said something to me and I interpreted the
statement as a negative comment towards me, I usually responded in less than
half a second with a defensive and equally negative comment. Thankfully, we
both have learned to say, “Okay, wait a minute. I don’t think you understood what
I meant.” Usually, I have to argue my point a few more times (because I am
STUBBORN)…and then Aha! I actually HEAR what he meant and at that point to
spare myself from further humility I repeat what I think I now understand. Voila.
Simple clarification and we avoid the further silliness of our argument by me
saying “Oh….. Oops….I’m Sorry…I’m a jerk.” Insert true apology. (There was a
time in the store when TC stayed eerily calm as I relentlessly expressed how
upset and confused I was about a comment he made…then it became clear that was
another obvious interpretation for his statement. I immediately went “Oh. You meant…. I’m
sorry” and we both laughed. It was THAT ridiculous).
I've learned a lot from TC about this scenario. If he hears me say something
he thinks is rude, unnecessary or defensive, he usually says..”Whoa…wait. What
do you mean?” Or if it’s the other way around and he spoke first and I react,
he usually says “Whoa..wait.. what did you think I said?”
I call this the “Whoa…Wait”. It’s brilliant really. Another way we’ve
heard this expounded upon is in “Every Mother’s Wise Statement Handbook.”
It’s called the, “Think before you speak (or re-speak)” rule.
Neither one of us have perfected this, but it has often kept us from
hashing out something silly for TOO long (but we definitely hash out the silly
things. Isn’t it bizarre how things like toilet paper, poor use of intonations,
asking what time church start for the 104th week in a row, Redbox
1$ movie rentals, ESPN phone apps, and jumping out from behind the door and squealing
loudly in the bathroom while someone is taking a shower and thought they were
alone can cause such a stir? But it does.) Many well-meaning and good-hearted people
end up getting upset and/or hurt from simple things. So it’s okay to take your
efforts in minimizing disaster from "silly" things seriously.
So, a few hints about what we’ve learned and are still working on:
1. Think before you speak
2. Ask for clarification. Listen, repeat what you understood and clarify both ways.
3. Apologize (Forgiveness is proven to have powerful effects)
4. Come back together and maybe laugh later about your efforts in learning to “crack” the other’s code (if you are the laughing kind –we are). Silence
and a defeated retreat don’t mend the situation, it only makes matters worse.
TC is really nice. And good looking. This is from our weekend in ATL a few weeks ago to celebrate my college roommate's wedding. There is another picture from this event that is priceless. Maybe I will post it soon.
PS. TC approved this post.
P.S.S in other news, we are getting pretty excited about our cruise in a few weeks.
We had a great weekend with my sis, brother-in-law, parents and grandparents at the Gulf. Ready for the next fun outing.
